2002 – So, you finally had children. That’s great! How is our writing going? Do you have more essential wisdom? Do you feel fulfilled? Could you die a happy woman tomorrow?
2011 – I... well, I write. The writing is coming along. Fulfilled, um, I guess. I mean, the kids are great; I love them so much… it’s incredible really. What did you say? Did you say DIE? Why would you say that?! I can’t DIE I have two children, what would happen to them? Crap did I miss my last checkup? Is this table clean? How did you get here anyway? Have I finally gone insane?
2002 – Whoa, calm down. I just meant that we spent a lot of years striving for inner peace and that feeling – like it was all good and if something happened… everything was in order, you know? You remember that, right?
2011 – Oh, that. Yeah… that was sort of a twenties phase. I’m really busy now. They depend on me. I mean, if something happened, it is what it is, but I am not by any means ready to go anywhere… speaking of that I need to make a note to remember to call the insurance company.
2002 – (shudders) Well, what music do you listen to now?
2011 – Here, you can look at my iPod.
2002 – Hhmmm, so some of this seems legit, who’s Dan Zanes? Wait, isn’t this one from a Disney movie? Ok, this one sounds good, what is this song called?
2011 – Oh I like that one… I have no idea, doesn’t it say on the little screen?
2002 – You don’t know what this song is called? It says you have played it 46 times.
2011 – I don’t know what anything is called anymore. It doesn’t matter… anyway I have trouble driving and using that thing at the same time, the kids distract me, it isn’t safe… and I can’t have ear buds in when we’re together. They ask me a lot of questions…
2002 – Is that your minivan parked over there?
2011 – Yep.
2002 – The dirty one with the bent fender? Seriously? Wait a minute… are you actually reading Chelsea Handler? Oh crap I can’t have kids, look what they’ve done to you!
2011 – Oh that, it’s just a ride… remember. It’s roomy but not a gas guzzler, the carpet is trashed so we don’t have to worry about it and I plan to drive it into the ground with my pet dead bumblebee rotting on the dashboard. And this? What am I supposed to be reading? The Infinite Jest? I don’t have that kind of time. Be thankful I am reading anything.
2002 – I thought things would be different, that we were special.
2011 – Special? Yeah, it’d be just uber fab to turn up somewhere and not have any equipment because it didn’t fit in the awesome ride we’re sporting. Cool like that and all totally going out at night so that someone else could be there for the nightmare hugs or the can I sleep with you tonight Moms? No way. I mean, I go out sometimes, but it’s just the world. It’s pretty much the same. Oh remember that time when we were with that guy, what’s his name? And we went to that place, oh I don’t know, it had a statue in the corner and they served ceviche in glass globes?
2002 – You are an idiot. I will not let this happen to me.
2011 – Well you’re a child. Just wait. I may even work in an office again.
2002 – You wouldn’t dare…
2011 – Do they still use Word 97?
